Dear Young Chandler,
Broooo, We made it! We’re alive, which is always a bonus. I’m writing you this letter to address the uncertainties in our life that you are feeling now and will feel, and because I have reached a point now where I am at a level of content where I can look back on a lot and laugh about it.
Firstly, I know you’re unpopular at school now, but… get used to it, buddy. You still have a good 6 or 7 years before you learn how to talk to people. Also, you won’t go far in Rugby. I know, I know, you’ve had a good season and blah blah blah. But no, you’re going to enjoy being in and out of crutches and wheelchairs for your adolescence, ha.
Right; our balls might not have actually dropped yet. But, fucking grow a pair and ask Emma out bro. All you’re insecurities with girls in your teenage years stem from that. Stop being a little melt about it.
Secondly; At age 14, you’ll meet a girl called Orla, your first girlfriend. You will be weirdly clingy to her, and she will dump you after two months. DO NOT blame her for your distrust in women, and use it as a feeble excuse to be a dick for years (you will) because you did this to yourself. Learn from it and move the fuck on.
Without giving too much away, here is a list of don’ts, for you, for the next ten years:
- Don’t try a long distance relationship for a year and a half with a girl you don’t trust. You will move back to the UK, and just because she’s older and has boobies doesn’t mean you have to do as you’re told.
- Don’t propose to anyone, especially two different people, especially after only a year, and especially if their name is Shannon.
- Don’t break up with Alexandra by Facebook…. weak sauce Bro. Just don’t go out with her in the first place. She has a friend you’ll meet about 3 weeks after you meet Alexandra and you will THANK ME LATER BROOOOO!
- Don’t start smoking cigarettes. Yes, you think it looks cool, I know because I’m you. But I’ve come to realise there is no such thing as quitting smoking; You’re just a smoker that doesn’t smoke any more, you’re always going to want one. Also, you cough a lot nowadays….. and you get more out of breath while nailing a chick than you used to….. not ideal.
Finally; Listen to your Mam and Dad bro. I mean… I know they can be annoying about shit, but JUST LOOK AT HOW MUCH MONEY DAD MAKES! I just found out his Christmas bonus the other day and it is nearly what I make in a year. He obviously knows what he is doing, and how does that popular saying go? Money does create happiness? yeah, that’s the one. Learn to be a baller form a young age, don’t fuck about, because then you won’t need to hit rock bottom in order to start trying to achieve, because you would never have stopped achieving in the first place.
You need to learn to forgive bro, not only others but yourself. Yeah, it’s all good fun to keep a grudge and it can make others laugh when you’re over the top about it, but some of them eat you alive. You’re not a bad kid, you just make some seriously stupid decisions.
P.S. – Wrap it up Bro, too many scares.
P.P.S. – Wear suits. You look sweet as fuck in a suit. Trust me.