Life is full of Rules. Some are even covered by the Law. But none are quite as sacred as the rules of the modern man. Follow these rules my loyal disciples and you’ll have to get a cream to sooth that red raw dick of yours after all that LAYAGE.
Here is my list of Rules I live my life by that I promise if you follow all of these your life will be awesome as fuck.
- Get your eyebrows threaded. Women like nice eyebrows. It hurts like a bitch the first time you go but you’ll look at yourself afterwards and wonder why you’ve never attempted to bang yourself before.
- Get yourself a ‘Guy’ for everything and anything. Having a ‘Guy’ is important. Also it looks cool as fuck when someone goes “oh shit! Where’d you get that!?” and your response is “I have a guy“… Love it.
- If you ever find yourself in a socially awkward situation, think of my best bro Ali…. and then do exactly the opposite of what he would do.
- Even if your an adult with adult friends who drive adult cars and go on adult car trips. Yell “shotgun!” anyway…. just in case.
- In a strip club, you are king, remember that.
- Have at least 3 alter egos with different names and backstories for when you travel elsewhere. This means your fun can’t follow you home or look you up on Social Media, but also it means you can practice lying, which is the most important skill to have.
- If you have a lifelong dream, scrap it, your new lifelong dream is simply three words: “Money, Suits, Sex“.
- The worlds hottest types of women go in this order: 1) Latinos 2) Lebanese and 3) Colleagues who are unhappily married.
- Never let a woman put a throw pillow in your house… It’s a trap.
- If a woman looks like her mother, dump her. Unless her Mother is hot, in that case dump her and bang her Mom.
- Make sure you house is always cold. Nipples always poke through if you keep the place below 10 ° C .
- Play off Karaoke as if it’s stupid, but secretly have a very well practised set-list of up to 5 songs under your belt.
- If you’re going to lie to a woman about a job, claim to be a Yacht/Private Airline Salesman. If they ask you about it, just say you “Can’t talk about it too much due to Client Confidentiality, but I take it you’ve seen the Marvel Movies?” works every time.
- Always hold the door open for a lady. Even if she is fat or if she is ugly…. or heaven forbid… both.
- Don’t get married before you are 38.
- Never deny a high five or a fist bump from someone. But if you must, make it clear if it reluctant.