Things that really kettle my swede.

Now, many of you may have noticed ( and I know that those of you who know me personally know this very well);

I don’t like people and the things that they do. No, sorry, it’s not that I dislike all people. It’s just the majority of things that people do in their day to day lives, that makes them happy, Deeply and emphatically disturb me.

Please enjoy my brief list of annoyances:

  • Couples

Couples annoy me. Especially when they hit that point in their relationship where they morph into one big homogeneous hermaphroditic blob and they no longer individually say “I’d like to… blah blah”. No, it is always “we’d like to…”. This, in my eyes, is unacceptable. A number of other things couples do that annoy me is:

  1. Put a padlock on a bridge with their initials on it.
    1. Especially when they post a picture of it online afterwards.
  2. Lounge on each other in public places.
    1. Please, c’mon. If I wanted to watch you impregnate her I would find a way to… trust me.
  3. Post pictures of them kissing online….. no more need be said on this matter.
  4. Post the standard ‘Other-Half-Appreciation-Post” on their social media. It usually goes something like this:
    1. “Those of you who know me….. *blah blah blah* Can’t believe it has only been 3 months…. *blah blah blah* My life has changed so much, for the better, since you’ve been in it….*blah blah blah* I love you so much, I can’t wait to spend my future with you…… *blah blah fucking blah*
  • People that say “It’s 5 o’ clock somewhere!”

Either drink the drink or don’t drink the drink, for fuck sake.

  • People that either work in or go to Artisan Coffee shops or Hipster Bars.

You know the kind. The people in there look like they don’t wash. The dungaree and Jesus Sandle to person ratio is verging on traumatising. In the coffee shops, you pay £12 for a coffee and it arrives in individual conical science flasks and you have to assemble it yourself and the order comes with a note written in elvish or something stupid. The bars have some shit tasting, weird craft beer you’ve probably never heard of and the guy behind the bar is describing the taste of it as ‘earthy’. Who wants to drink/taste earth? They probably show art from local artists too, and you know which ones it is because it’s always the ones with the shit art in them. I hate those places…

  • When you’re sitting in a room with someone and they answer the phone and just have their entire conversation, without leaving the room.
  • Children with staring issues.

If you were an adult, I’d hit you.

  • Adults with staring issues.
  • When women put ‘Full Time Mummy’ as their occupation on social media.

Just put nothing, this would be a much better option to take.

  • When you’re watching TV with someone and they start watching a video, out loud, on their phone.
  • When people’s phones are ringing and they say “oh! can you answer that for me”

What am I going to do? I am ultimately going to hand you the phone because it is you they want to talk to, hence ringing your phone and not my phone. Answer your own damn phone.

I’m surrounded by idiots.

Me
– everyday
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‘Just Be Yourself!’

Is officially the worst advice I have ever received in my life.

Okay, maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh about it, but in my opinion, ‘being yourself’ is something that should be saved for close friends and family only.

In the company of everyone else? be your character.

Your Character:

This is the you that the world sees. The professional you. The brooding you. The you that sits there with one eyebrow raised and a cheeky half smile while making eye contact with the girl with the great ass at the end of the bar.

Your character is your friend, your hero, it is the dream you.

Now, when you hang out with your friends (particularly your old friends who you knew before you started reading The ‘C’ Word and became awesome) you are going to revert. It’s natural, we all do it. especially close friends. You piss around. Laugh out loud at things you would usually just smirk at in playful reminisce, or not even find it funny at all. You mentally revert back to the period in your life they influenced.

But this should be kept for those situations and those situations only. Chuck Norris and Dead baby joke telling 16-year-old you doesn’t get invited to work events. Vine quoting, weed smoking 18-year-old you doesn’t get that juicy performance-based pay rise we all enjoy getting. Dreadlocked and scruffy bearded, oversized colourful vintage 80’s shirt wearing 21-year-old you doesn’t get you better service in retail and catering establishments and a very necessary regular trip to the STI clinic does it? (snizz on the reg, for those who don’t know) No, work discussing, current events loving, suit wearing, Alpha Male you does though

(Just to interject here: suits should be all the time though, just to clarify, although I know you all do anyway, apologies for the interruption, thank you for listening)  

Million Dollar Man yourself.

Improve you.

Then reap the benefits that come flooding in.

Tinder/Texting/Tinder/Texting

WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY!

Although it is still a vital people skill that every man should have, the days of scoring a chick in bars/events/clubs are over. Not gone away, but texting and Tinder have definitely taken over the number one spot. Even three or fours years ago it was different! You’re in a club, a bit of eye contact from her, a bit of eye contact from you, exchange a few smiles, you walk over, maybe you buy her a drink or two? You both laugh, you flirt, you get drunk and then you take her home and pray she still isn’t there in the morning. Or, alternatively, you secretly invite over a ‘Bro-With-Boobies’ to pretend to be your girlfriend so this other girl gets disgusted and leaves.

Image result for man caught cheating
It’s just a classic move!

Tinder has since replaced this, it gives more time to think about your reply, it gives you the opportunity to pick your own pictures and give the best first impression, it gives you an opportunity with A SEA OF WOMEN. It does, unfortunately, give her the choice of an infinite amount of men (unless she looks like a sled dog). Women have a 308% higher chance of getting laid from Tinder than men do, why? Because they gots the goods! Fact! They have two hypnotic himalayas sitting right in front of them, and they know it. The number of women I know that go out at the weekend and don’t even bother bringing cash with them, because they know this magical power they have over us!

It is not difficult to flirt with someone via your phone. You just need to know how to do it. I have deleted and restarted my Tinder account countless times! Why? Practice. I even paid for Tinder Gold for 6 months so that I could practice on people in other countries (disclaimer: The NYC ladies love me, of course).

Here are my Top Tips for a successful flirtation game, via Tinder:

  • Don’t be predictable!

“Hey” or “Hey, how’re you” or “Hey I love your pics lol”

Really? Is that the best you got? Well, that’s the best that a lot of dudes have too, so enjoy being the gummy bear at the bottom of a big ol’ bag of gummy bears, because you are not getting picked any time soon.

You have to be exciting! And no, your dick pic will not blow her away no matter how much you thought it would ( c’mon be honest with yourself bro).

  • Compliment at the start, but not on anything physical.

yeeeaaaaaaaaah telling her she has a great ass might sound great in your head (and to be fair, if she does have a great ass, pound it bro, nice one!). Compliments come in time, maybe ask about something in her bio, or something in the background of her pictures, like a location? Paying attention to her bio is important, and if you do it right later on you can be paying attention to her bio-logy (heh heh nice)

  • Playfulness leads to Nakedness

This is where Tinder trumps real life. You could be the most boring person in the world, but it at least gives you a chance that real life just doesn’t. It gives you time to think about something to say. Don’t be too serious, poke fun at her a little bit. Not too much though, making fun of her grandma dying last week with definitely not get you a blowy bro….. and the fact I felt the need to tell you that really says a lot… doesn’t it.

Sarcasm however, is a serious danger zone.

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Well, you better get the fuck out of the Danger Zone. It will get read the wrong way because there is no tone to text. They will think you’re a bit of a dick, maybe even a lot of a dick? and if they think you are a dick, guess who won’t be getting company later? Your dick.

  • The 72 hour rule

Don’t just talk for ages. If you’re talking for more than 72 hours without making plans to do something, you’re wasting your time. I’ve recently seen a case of this with a friend of mine. He was talking to this girl and she kept rain-checking their dates, for well over a week. Ghost that shit, don’t waste your time.

In regards to the 72-hour rule though, don’t just text her, text her, text her, text her. Don’t tell her your life story. She doesn’t need to know that shit. 3 maybe 4 texts a day, then meet her. Don’t try to over-qualify yourself. She matched with you. You are a total boss.

Now, put on your Hugh Hefner approved smoking jacket, get on your phone, and go crush that puss bro.

Chandler’s Goals for 2019

  • Put up those two mirrors I’ve been procrastinating for weeks.
  • Bleed my radiators, which I have also been procrastinating for weeks
  • Get new business cards
  • Lose another inch off of my waist, but gain at least another stone in muscle weight.
  • Get laid more (this is a must)
  • Buy some tasteful nude photography to put up in my house

I feel like this would add a higher feeling of sophistication and decorum to my pad. Also….. boobs…. heh heh heh

I mean…. tasteful boobs

heh… boobs

  • Get my car licence
  • Re-open Green Palace Recordings
  • Get invited to more events/ceremonies at work
  • Eat and Drink even better

My cooking day is usually Sunday. I buy up a decent amount of ingredients and cook up my Meal Preps for the week all in one go. Chicken, Rice, Pasta, Steak, Mince, Turkey etc. But I reckon I can do better; so for 2019, I want to start incorporating more lean meats (fewer fats, at the moment I just buy any meat) and also more vegetables (vitamins, help your immune system, keeps the machine in full working order). I’d also like to drink less energy drinks when I am tired and resort to sugary fruits to wake me up (apples for example).

  • Buy 1 new suit per quarter
  • Fix the gate in my back garden
  • Build raised beds in my garden – ready for the spring
  • expand my collection of Whiskeys
  • expand my collection of Ties
  • expand my collection of Watches
  • get laid even more than was mentioned in point 5 (an absolute fucking must)

Fuck New Years Resolutions.

Everyone’s is the same: Eat Healthier, Go to the gym, drink less, blah blah blah…. but we all know these will be given up by January the 12th (if you’re an absolute warrior you might even last until January the 14th).

My point is that NOBODY sticks to their New Years Resolutions. I hate them. They’re an insufficient excuse for people to do whatever they want for the last month of the year because “I’m going to address it in the new year”. This is why you’re lazy/fat/unemployed/unkempt/ *insert anything you try to ignore about yourself but we all know is 100% true*

Instead of resolutions for New Years, set yourself goals for 2019. I don’t mean just replace the word resolution for the word goals, because that’s just stupid and completely proves my point…

I mean set yourself actual goals. BIG GOALS. small goals. Far-fetched goals and ones that are so achievable you could put your phone down right now and get them done in 10 minutes. My point is; When you start something and finish something, you feel good. When you start something and don’t finish it, you feel like a piece of shit who can’t finish something, because that’s exactly what has happened. If you want to go to the gym at the start of the new year, that’s fine! However, don’t tell everyone this is what you’re going to do because then when they see you a couple of weeks later ramming that Big Mac down your neck, we all know what they’ll be thinking.

Instead, tell yourself you want to try to get a bit fitter in spring. Go to the gym, start off on something easy, the bike, the treadmill, the crosstrainer maybe? This way to ease your unexperienced self into it instead of putting yourself off straight away.

You want to eat better in the new year? stop buying shit, simple as.

I love crisps. I mean, I really fucking love crisps. Remembering an old friend I affectionately call ‘Loser-Chandler”; He used to sit on his sofa every night, smoke a joint, and easily devour 2 or 3 family share-bags of Dorito’s. I still smoke, but I’ve taken the unhealthy food out of the equation by just not buying it.

Just make things do-able. Don’t try to find loopholes like “if I eat a salad for lunch I can wolf down that XL Chocolate Bar I have at home!” because it doesn’t work like that, you’re being lenient with yourself.

Things are tough to do, but that’s life. Suck it up and stop letting yourself down.

25th of December – every…single…year

I have never hid the fact that I am not the biggest fan of this holiday.

However, some of you may be? which is fine I guess…

Nonetheless!

I hope everyone has a great day, gets loads of cool shit, and maybe even gets a cheeky Handy J under the Christmas table. Ha, Nice.

Image result for pimps christmas

If there is no Handy J on the horizon for you or you have been sat next to your Great-Aunt Jaqueline, then I hope the booze fairies fly down to drown your sadness quickly and effectively.

ENJOY!