Positive Tribes bring Positive Vibes

If your friends are all downers, losers and are generally unmotivated, you will be too.

It’s simple tribal instinct. On one side of the mountain you have the Downer tribe, moping about complaining about their life. Just choosing to be sad. They are blessed with the superpower to suck the life out of any situation they are in. And on the other side of the mountain you have the Vibey Tribe.

The Vibey Tribe, genuinely, doesn’t give a fuck. They keep their basic instincts of make money, eat and fuck, but the magic behind them is – if it isn’t in that list it doesn’t fucking matter to them. They just move on with their life.

The Downer Tribe just worry about everything. And because worrying and sadness is a contagious disease, like AIDs, that will slowly kill you, like AIDs, and has a debilitating stigma surrounding them…. like AIDs.

I cannot continue this nature programme format so I’m just going to stop – I am also going to stop with the AIDs references before I have too many angry messages from over-sensitive readers to laugh at.

The people you hang out with affects everything. Your motivation, your work ethic, your morals, your sense of humour and your mood. If you spend your time with people who either A) Poo Poo all the amazing money making, pussy smashing ideas that you have or; B) Don’t offer an even more awesome alternative to your ideas once they have Poo Pooed them…. Fuck. Them. Off.

You don’t need people like that in your life. You need motivators.

Nearly of my friends are older than me. Nearly all my friends earn more. Nearly all my friends have nicer transport, nicer house and generally live a fucking awesome life [note I’ve said nearly all my friends multiple times there, I still need to be on top of somebody (lol that’s what she said)] but my point is, I am never happy with what I have. I want more all the time – and that is because I surround myself with successful people who make me jealous that I don’t have what they have. So to prove a point I can do it too, and also to keep up, catch up and overtake my peers in terms of success, I remain in a constant state of motivation to gain more.

I know for a fact I will be a millionaire with the biggest house, out of my peers, the most most money, the most cars and the most motorbikes and I genuinely believe that the coroner certify my cause of death as drowning in pussy. Why? Because I want it to happen. Simple as. I want it so I’m going to do it. None of this small mind shit, none of this “oooh well it’s impossible for someone like me” pussyboi talk. That’s downer tribe talk. Pack up your teepee, walk to the other side of the mountain, and find people that genuinely motivate to you be a better you. Because once they see you getting better they will strive to be better themselves which will make you become better which will make them better themselves which will make you strive to be better which when that is achieved it will make them strive to better themselves and….

Well,

If you don’t see where I am going with this by now then just close this tab and get the fuck off of my blog because we don’t tolerate pussyboi bitches.

Bro Sex

No… not having sex with your bro’s.

We’re talking about your Bro’s getting laid. How does this affect you?

Well, it can in multiple ways. This layage may result in a sex tape. It’s a true fact that at least 6 out of 5 people will make a sex tape at some point in their life. Knowingly or unknowingly, it’ll happen. Which brings up the age old question; “Do you watch another Bro’s sex tape?”

There are 3 things to take into account in this case:

  1. How hot is the chick in this situation?
  2. What is the Bro Factor of your Brolationship?
  3. What are the odds that your bro will be into something weird?

Let’s think of a few scenarios;

Your Best bro’s friends brother, banging Miss Brazil 2018 on a beach in Hawaii. But she’s wearing a strap on.

Brolationship factor? Not close enough

Is she hot? fuck yeah she is!

Weirdness level? Not worth it bro…. definitely not worth it.

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Your best bro drunkenly banging his hot ex girlfriend in the back seat of his car.

Brolationship factor? Separated at birth, nothing but love between you two

Is she hot? she was when they got together but she has gotten fat. But memories still exist.

Weirdness level? Just another Wednesday, crack on my friend!

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Another way in which your Bro getting laid, and how it can affect your life is if you are there. Not necessarily in the bed with them, but you can hear the fun through the wall. What do you do?

Recently I heard my hetero-life-mate, Ali, banging his girlfriend upstairs when I was sleeping on his sofa after a night out. What do you do? You didn’t put yourself in this situation. You just found yourself in it. I mean, if it was my neighbours I heard banging there is only one thing to do… but this is your bro?

Doesn’t matter. It’s not your fault this is happening but you may as well use it to your advantage. There is only one thing to do in this situation, and this is exactly what I did…. be a man, claim this moment as your own, and have a 1 person party.

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The Rulebook.

Life is full of Rules. Some are even covered by the Law. But none are quite as sacred as the rules of the modern man. Follow these rules my loyal disciples and you’ll have to get a cream to sooth that red raw dick of yours after all that LAYAGE.

Here is my list of Rules I live my life by that I promise if you follow all of these your life will be awesome as fuck.

  • Get your eyebrows threaded. Women like nice eyebrows. It hurts like a bitch the first time you go but you’ll look at yourself afterwards and wonder why you’ve never attempted to bang yourself before.
  • Get yourself a ‘Guy’ for everything and anything. Having a ‘Guy’ is important. Also it looks cool as fuck when someone goes “oh shit! Where’d you get that!?” and your response is “I have a guy“… Love it.
  • If you ever find yourself in a socially awkward situation, think of my best bro Ali…. and then do exactly the opposite of what he would do.
  • Even if your an adult with adult friends who drive adult cars and go on adult car trips. Yell “shotgun!” anyway…. just in case.
  • In a strip club, you are king, remember that.
  • Have at least 3 alter egos with different names and backstories for when you travel elsewhere. This means your fun can’t follow you home or look you up on Social Media, but also it means you can practice lying, which is the most important skill to have.
  • If you have a lifelong dream, scrap it, your new lifelong dream is simply three words: “Money, Suits, Sex“.
  • The worlds hottest types of women go in this order: 1) Latinos 2) Lebanese and 3) Colleagues who are unhappily married.
  • Never let a woman put a throw pillow in your house… It’s a trap.
  • If a woman looks like her mother, dump her. Unless her Mother is hot, in that case dump her and bang her Mom.
  • Make sure you house is always cold. Nipples always poke through if you keep the place below 10 ° C .
  • Play off Karaoke as if it’s stupid, but secretly have a very well practised set-list of up to 5 songs under your belt.
  • If you’re going to lie to a woman about a job, claim to be a Yacht/Private Airline Salesman. If they ask you about it, just say you “Can’t talk about it too much due to Client Confidentiality, but I take it you’ve seen the Marvel Movies?” works every time.
  • Always hold the door open for a lady. Even if she is fat or if she is ugly…. or heaven forbid… both.
  • Don’t get married before you are 38.
  • Never deny a high five or a fist bump from someone. But if you must, make it clear if it reluctant.

Why you need to leave your home town ASAP

But my family live there! I couldn’t leave!

All my childhood friends are in my hometown! I wouldn’t want to have to make friends elsewhere.

But I have lived here all my life! I know this place, I couldn’t leave

You know what all of these are?

Excuses.

Home towns are great… to visit. But c’mon man… the world exists! There are other foods out there! There are other people out there! There are way hotter women out there, and I know it’s hard to believe but they may even be hotter than Becky, the girl you liked as a teenager but who peaked in high school and now has 3 kids by two different dads and is working at the check out at the same shop you used to steal alcohol from.

If you stay in your hometown you are doomed to fail. I see it all the time. I have a little stalk, on social media, of a girl of whom I went to school with and I can see that she is working in a local shop or is a teacher at the same school that we went to, and that she is either with or has kids with the dickhead at the back of maths class who also didn’t leave our home town and is now a fishmonger. …..

THE WORLD IS AN AMAZING PLACE!

And each time you leave your hometown, you grow. You experience different thoughts, different culture, and a different way of life.

And the good advice icing on this good advice cake…. CHICKS ARE SO MUCH HOTTER EVERYWHERE ELSE BUT YOUR HOMETOWN!

Why? Familiarity-Phenomenon.

You’re so used to the way everyone looks in your hometown, and obviously as all people who stay in their hometown are somewhat inbred, whenever you travel away your genitals will be screaming for something different. That’s why us brits find american girls hot. It’s a different gene pool…… a sexy different gene pool.

Mmmmm….. Sexy Gene Pools.

How to Fall in Love with Yourself, while wearing a suit #5

Back at it again, with them rules to keep you looking fiiiiine.

  • Rule #11 – Sit Down boy! Stand Up lad!

Obviously, we all remember the bottom button rule? say it with me; “Yes, sensei”, excellent. Good Job. There is another rule when it comes to the buttons of your jacket. If you’re standing, button fastened. Sitting, however, button open. This avoids both you looking like a moron and also the stitching holding your jacket on being unnecessarily stressed. This could cause disaster if your button comes off at the wrong moment. Save yourself the embarrassment and just follow this simple rule.

  • Rule #12 – Lapels
Peaks and wide peaks are a more of a classic look, shawl is more on the casual side.
Thank you to Kicks Whips and Suits for this fantastic infographic. A picture says a thousand words. Credit for this next picture also goes to them.

  • Rule #13 – Which Watch?

Not a sports watch. That is the answer. Now I can’t pretend to be an expert on watches as I only own 3 myself. However, I know for a fact you cannot be seen dressing to the nines and wearing a sports watch to accessorise. What the fuck, imagine it…

  • Rule #14 – BRACE yourselves, we’re talking BELTS.

I interchangeably use either a pair of braces or a belt. I recently have been favouring the braces though. Why? a number of reasons. One of which is that they hold my trousers up, but not pulling the waistline of the trousers in so they just seem more comfortable. Another reason is that they sit just between your shoulders and your traps, and I’m not trying to toot my own horn or nothing, and I know I’m a little biased, but, I definitely think I look sexier and more muscular in them.

  • Rule #15 – Rock that body [type]

Basically, if you’re a short bastard, then you’re a short bastard. If your a tall, lanky weirdo, well you’re just a tall, lanky weirdo then aren’t you? You are what you are. However, this doesn’t mean you can to be dressed like a homeless person in the meantime. You short stacks out there should stick to single-breasted, standard notch lapel suits. Try to avoid double-breasted and peak lapel jackets as these have just more area, space and material in the design and can give a real drowning in material look (like at the end of Big with Tom Hanks). 

Lanky toothpicks should go for the option that will widen out their bodies, meaning the double-breasted and wider and peaked lapels. Are you carrying a few more beers on top of that shy six pack of yours nowadays? Opt for a single button jacket, with low button placement. This will elongate your silhouette, making your look thinner overall.

Am I correct in wearing a suit, each and every day?

Yes, is the answer to your question.

Yes you should where a suit every day, for a number of reasons; Mens’ suits look great, and men in suits look fucking fantastic. A lot of offices these days (mine included) have a much more casual approach to a dress code.

Say, I’m at my office and I’m in a meeting. If I were to set up a camera in the centre of the table, panning around to each person in that conference room this is genuinely how it would look.

  • 1st Guy: Button up shirt, cufflinks, jeans, belt and smart shoes
  • 2nd Guy: Hoodie, T-shirt, Jeans and sneakers.
  • 3rd Guy: Short sleeved, button up shirt. Smart trousers and smart shoes.
  • 4th Guy: Cardigan, jeans, Chelsea boots.
  • Me: Bespoke suit, button up shirt, tie and smart shoes.

Workplace rules when it comes to dress code are just so lapse compared to what they would have been 30, 20 or even 10 years ago. However, why should this taint your decision to dress well?

Reasons to wear a suit everyday:

  • Your morning routine becomes so much easier.

Doesn’t make sense does it? Undershirt, shirt, black socks, shirt stays, tie, trousers, belt or braces, jacket, watch, jewellery. It all seems a bit of a faff around don’t it? Surprisingly not. Why? because I already know what I am going to wear the next day! I’m going to wear a suit. Sorted.

I don’t need to go through shirt after shirt. Does this hoodie go with that top? Do my blue jeans look okay with these trainers? These days are behind you. Your new interchangeable wardrobe makes life so much easier. Why not make it even easier again? Lay out your clothes the night before.

You know what you’re wearing and you know you’re going to look good.

  • Age neutrality

Nobody is ever happy. If you’re younger you feel like people aren’t taking you seriously, if you’re older you feel like you’re just old. It’s always noticeable when someone dresses not for their age. Ever heard of Mutton Dressed as Lamb? Yeah.

Suits are timeless! Yeah the styles might change here and there but if you stick to solely classic cut, solid colour suits. You could still be wearing the same suit when your 70 as you did when you were 17 and you’ll look trendy, smart, sophisticated and a right sexy motherfucker, if I do say so.

And speaking of sexy motherfuckers…..

  • You’ll look great all the time!

Suits draw attention to them. They are a confidence booster, they are a motivator and if you wear your suit to a bar or a night out, people (hopefully people with big ol’ boobies…. AKA: Women) will 100% ask you ‘why are you in a suit?’, and what can you respond to this?

Anything you want! You’re in a suit! They will trust you!

Just the other week I was a Private Airlines Salesmen, just finishing a shift selling to celebrity clients and I just wanted a drink after work. Not too long ago I was a director for a big modelling company (I’ll admit I got caught out on this one. Not to self: do research on the industry prior to lying). My point is, the world is your oyster. People will come to you, rather than you go to them. People will want to talk to you. And if the suit isn’t already boosting your confidence, then the gaggle of women flocking your way might do.

  • Mr. Respectable

Looking smart, making a bit of effort and actually keeping it up each and every day shows that you care. And this can greatly help your career. It shows that you have pride in yourself. It shows you believe in yourself, and to be honest if you don’t look like you believe in yourself; No fuckers going to believe in you, period.

The pleasures of conformity and the importance of trends.

Patrick Bateman, American Psycho [2000] played by Christian Bale, is a great character. Complex, smart, unpredictable.

However, in the scene where he hacked Jared Letos’ character, Paul Allen, to bits with an axe. Batemen put on timeless classic ‘Hip to be Square’ by Huey Lewis and The News, quoting the line:

A song so catchy, most people probably don’t listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it’s not just about the pleasures of conformity and the importance of trends. It’s also a personal statement about the band itself. Hey, Paul!

This really got me thinking.

Conformist. Conforming. Conform. 3 words which pretty negative vibes to them. We understand that Bateman wants to conform drastically, to seem as normal as possible. He also mentions this when Evelyn says to him “Well, you hate that job anyway. Why don’t you just quit? You don’t have to work.” to which he replies “Because I want…to fit…in“.

However, as we are not murderous psychopaths and we are only remote, work-hard-play-hard, commit-ophobic sociopaths we’ll have a look at this differently.

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The idea of conforming used to send shivers down my spine. I outright used to say I didn’t want a great job, or a big house or a nice car. If I could afford my bills and just enjoy life I’ll be fine. Recently though… fuck that shit. I’ve penned some new phrases I’d like you all to start rolling out and spreading around:

There is no such thing as too much of a good thing.

More is always better.

Money buys happiness.

People hire people, promote people and give pay raises to people who are like them. They won’t admit that is true, but psychologically it is just what they do. These people, who are all higher up than you right now, have already conformed. They already caved and straightened up! Done what is expected of them. Do well at work, dress well, get their hair cut, clean themselves sharp. And that is why they’re higher than you because their boss, who also did exactly the same thing years ago, hired him. and his boss hired him. And this dates all the way back to caveman times, believe it or not.

Chameleon up bro! Adapt to your surroundings. I did! I talked about this in a previous blog, but if there is one thing that made me cave to conformity, it was being single. I needed a win. and what did conformity give me? WIN WIN WIN BABY! I hit the jackpot! Doesn’t matter what makes you finally realise that it’s the way to go, and I’m not saying get a job in a company and do that for the rest of your life, god no we all have dreams. But in order to achieve dreams, you need to network. And to network effectively you need to fit in. And to fit in you need to, and let’s say this all together, that’s right boys and girls; Conform.

And what else is needed to network? A working knowledge of current trends. Music trends, sports, entertainment, science, politics, it doesn’t matter what the fuck it is! A working knowledge of trends opens you up to more conversation starters, it opens you up to meeting different people through shared interests, friends or even random conversations. Just like the art of conforming effectively, it makes people feel comfortable around you, and when people feel comfortable around someone they don’t mind spending more time with them. And, whether this leads to you scoring that big contract, getting your foot in the door for a job interview or even getting laid! There is absolutely no denying the social science behind the psychology of herds and likemindedness.

Today’s lesson: Tv Characters who make you think.

  1. Don Draper
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Why? Don is awesome. Don is a real man’s man. He gots the suits, he gots the money, he gots the women.

I like Don Draper because he is the confident, situation winning character that every bro should look up to. He’s a convincer. He doesn’t chase, he waits for people and opportunities to come to him. Why? because he knows that they will. He oozes a certain charisma that demands respect and attention. Jump over to youtube to watch some seriously good clips of how you can assert on workplace and personal situations and individuals by applying a few of Dons’ suave, sophisticated game winning tactics.

2. Barney Stinson

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Barney is a great character to study because he is the kind of bro that walks into the room and magnetises attention his way. And what do we all know attention gets you? Laid.

He is high energy, always looking to maximise the Legendary-ness of a situation in order to assure that he lives his life to the max. He does nothing half-arsed. You can see this by his need to accept every challenge presented to him (and not presented to him). He is the perfect modern character to learn from in regards to guaranteeing that after you work hard, you play hard.

Also: just look at the way he dresses…. damn.

3. Tommy Shelby

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Tommy Shelby is fucking badass and his suits are impeccable. If that’s not enough to admire in a character I don’t know what is?!

Although, the best quality of Tommy is that he is the cool, calm and collected ideas man. He gets shit done! It’s his way or no way and that is exactly how it should be! Why settle for something you don’t want and always know you didn’t really want it when you can figure out a way to get everything you want, all the time. Manipulate your surroundings to suit yourself.

Seriousness in the right situations is a powerful tool.

4. Hank Moody

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He just doesn’t give a fuck.

And this is great.

because why should you give a fuck? Shit happens.

4) Charlie Harper

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Charlie Sheen has always been a favourite of mine, so no doubt his TV counterpart (who is essentially just himself) would be too. I even had a goldfish called Charlie Sheen when I was 12!

Charlie Harper is a character who does what the fuck he wants and is still winning every day. He makes money, parties hard and enjoys life. Just look at his pad! The ultimate bachelor pad, take notes.

In summary:

I’m sure you’ve noticed that all of my favourite TV characters are strong, alpha male roles who dominate every situation they are in. Why? Because the entertainment you watch does, in fact, shape your own humour and mannerisms, because nowadays we watch so much of it! Yes, these people are fictional characters, but the people who created and developed these characters did their research. They would’ve consulted body language specialists and language experts. Don’t just watch these shows, study them, because you’ll take in a lot of speech and body language on board without even realising it.

How to Fall in Love with Yourself, while wearing a suit #3

We’re Back.

Back with a bang.

Enough chit chat, lets get to it;

  • Rule #9  –  Suit Styles

There are specific suit colours and styles, for specific occasions and events. If you wear the wrong thing it will be noticed. And even if you’re surrounded by amateurs who won’t notice, you’ll notice. And if you’re anything like me, this will eat you alive.

  • All-Season Dark Solid.

Dark Charcoal or Navy is the move here – not black. Black is very formal and has it’s place in the world. But if you are going to own just one suit it should be a Dark Solid All-Season suit, two buttons, notch lapel. The sartorial equivalent of the little black dress.

Perfect for: Weddings, Funerals, Christenings, work, work do’s etc.etc.

  • Summer Suit.

Obviously most people would say shorts and a t-shirt would be more appropriate summer wear, however, nobody reading this is a T-shirt wearing lemming, right? RIGHT!? Doesn’t matter on the season, to score a 10 you need to be dressed to the nines.

Summer suits, light, approachable, fun. I have a lovely 3 piece tan suit closet at the moment just waiting for the first day of summer. The great thing about tan suits is that not a lot of people have them so as long as it a good fit with appropriate accessories, you’ll stand out.

Also good; Pastel Tones.

  • The Check Suit.

My personal favourite. I own a few that’s for sure. An all-over patterned suit is a surefire way to stand out from the crowd. Slightly on the edge of peacock territory. Also they look loud and fancy enough so that you look expensive.

To be the maverick that we all know you are, wear the full suit and have it tailored. You want this to be sharper than a serpents tooth.

  • Rule #10  –  Suit Fit

I’ve mentioned this time and time again, but I’m going to just do this again because I feel I need to (yes, that was a diss).

  • Collar Gap – Is there a gap between the collar of your shirt and your jacket? If so get your jacket tailored, this is a sign of an ill-fitting suit.
  • You should be able to snuggly slip your hand in-between your torso and the breast of your jacket. Snug but with enough room to move.
  • Shoulders, shoulders, shoulders. Put your jacket on and lean against a wall. Does it scrumple, look stretched and/or feel uncomfortable? No good pal. Does it look exactly the same as when you are standing straight? Ayyyyy perfect!

I’m enjoying doing this “How to fall in love with yourself….” series.

Please click here to see all posts in this series so far!