Is officially the worst advice I have ever received in my life.
Okay, maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh about it, but in my opinion, ‘being yourself’ is something that should be saved for close friends and family only.
In the company of everyone else? be your character.
This is the you that the world sees. The professional you. The brooding you. The you that sits there with one eyebrow raised and a cheeky half smile while making eye contact with the girl with the great ass at the end of the bar.
Your character is your friend, your hero, it is the dream you.
Now, when you hang out with your friends (particularly your old friends who you knew before you started reading The ‘C’ Word and became awesome) you are going to revert. It’s natural, we all do it. especially close friends. You piss around. Laugh out loud at things you would usually just smirk at in playful reminisce, or not even find it funny at all. You mentally revert back to the period in your life they influenced.
But this should be kept for those situations and those situations only. Chuck Norris and Dead baby joke telling 16-year-old you doesn’t get invited to work events. Vine quoting, weed smoking 18-year-old you doesn’t get that juicy performance-based pay rise we all enjoy getting. Dreadlocked and scruffy bearded, oversized colourful vintage 80’s shirt wearing 21-year-old you doesn’t get you better service in retail and catering establishments and a very necessary regular trip to the STI clinic does it? (snizz on the reg, for those who don’t know) No, work discussing, current events loving, suit wearing, Alpha Male you does though
(Just to interject here: suits should be all the time though, just to clarify, although I know you all do anyway, apologies for the interruption, thank you for listening)
Although it is still a vital people skill that every man should have, the days of scoring a chick in bars/events/clubs are over. Not gone away, but texting and Tinder have definitely taken over the number one spot. Even three or fours years ago it was different! You’re in a club, a bit of eye contact from her, a bit of eye contact from you, exchange a few smiles, you walk over, maybe you buy her a drink or two? You both laugh, you flirt, you get drunk and then you take her home and pray she still isn’t there in the morning. Or, alternatively, you secretly invite over a ‘Bro-With-Boobies’ to pretend to be your girlfriend so this other girl gets disgusted and leaves.
Tinder has since replaced this, it gives more time to think about your reply, it gives you the opportunity to pick your own pictures and give the best first impression, it gives you an opportunity with A SEA OF WOMEN. It does, unfortunately, give her the choice of an infinite amount of men (unless she looks like a sled dog). Women have a 308% higher chance of getting laid from Tinder than men do, why? Because they gots the goods! Fact! They have two hypnotic himalayas sitting right in front of them, and they know it. The number of women I know that go out at the weekend and don’t even bother bringing cash with them, because they know this magical power they have over us!
It is not difficult to flirt with someone via your phone. You just need to know how to do it. I have deleted and restarted my Tinder account countless times! Why? Practice. I even paid for Tinder Gold for 6 months so that I could practice on people in other countries (disclaimer: The NYC ladies love me, of course).
Here are my Top Tips for a successful flirtation game, via Tinder:
Don’t be predictable!
“Hey” or “Hey, how’re you” or “Hey I love your pics lol”
Really? Is that the best you got? Well, that’s the best that a lot of dudes have too, so enjoy being the gummy bear at the bottom of a big ol’ bag of gummy bears, because you are not getting picked any time soon.
You have to be exciting! And no, your dick pic will not blow her away no matter how much you thought it would ( c’mon be honest with yourself bro).
Compliment at the start, but not on anything physical.
yeeeaaaaaaaaah telling her she has a great ass might sound great in your head (and to be fair, if she does have a great ass, pound it bro, nice one!). Compliments come in time, maybe ask about something in her bio, or something in the background of her pictures, like a location? Paying attention to her bio is important, and if you do it right later on you can be paying attention to her bio-logy (heh heh nice)
Playfulness leads to Nakedness
This is where Tinder trumps real life. You could be the most boring person in the world, but it at least gives you a chance that real life just doesn’t. It gives you time to think about something to say. Don’t be too serious, poke fun at her a little bit. Not too much though, making fun of her grandma dying last week with definitely not get you a blowy bro….. and the fact I felt the need to tell you that really says a lot… doesn’t it.
Sarcasm however, is a serious danger zone.
Well, you better get the fuck out of the Danger Zone. It will get read the wrong way because there is no tone to text. They will think you’re a bit of a dick, maybe even a lot of a dick? and if they think you are a dick, guess who won’t be getting company later? Your dick.
The 72 hour rule
Don’t just talk for ages. If you’re talking for more than 72 hours without making plans to do something, you’re wasting your time. I’ve recently seen a case of this with a friend of mine. He was talking to this girl and she kept rain-checking their dates, for well over a week. Ghost that shit, don’t waste your time.
In regards to the 72-hour rule though, don’t just text her, text her, text her, text her. Don’t tell her your life story. She doesn’t need to know that shit. 3 maybe 4 texts a day, then meet her. Don’t try to over-qualify yourself. She matched with you. You are a total boss.
Now, put on your Hugh Hefner approved smoking jacket, get on your phone, and go crush that puss bro.
Everyone’s is the same: Eat Healthier, Go to the gym, drink less, blah blah blah…. but we all know these will be given up by January the 12th (if you’re an absolute warrior you might even last until January the 14th).
My point is that NOBODY sticks to their New Years Resolutions. I hate them. They’re an insufficient excuse for people to do whatever they want for the last month of the year because “I’m going to address it in the new year”. This is why you’re lazy/fat/unemployed/unkempt/ *insert anything you try to ignore about yourself but we all know is 100% true*
Instead of resolutions for New Years, set yourself goals for 2019. I don’t mean just replace the word resolution for the word goals, because that’s just stupid and completely proves my point…
I mean set yourself actual goals. BIG GOALS.small goals. Far-fetched goals and ones that are so achievable you could put your phone down right now and get them done in 10 minutes. My point is; When you start something and finish something, you feel good. When you start something and don’t finish it, you feel like a piece of shit who can’t finish something, because that’s exactly what has happened. If you want to go to the gym at the start of the new year, that’s fine! However, don’t tell everyone this is what you’re going to do because then when they see you a couple of weeks later ramming that Big Mac down your neck, we all know what they’ll be thinking.
Instead, tell yourself you want to try to get a bit fitter in spring. Go to the gym, start off on something easy, the bike, the treadmill, the crosstrainer maybe? This way to ease your unexperienced self into it instead of putting yourself off straight away.
You want to eat better in the new year? stop buying shit, simple as.
I love crisps. I mean, I really fucking love crisps. Remembering an old friend I affectionately call ‘Loser-Chandler”; He used to sit on his sofa every night, smoke a joint, and easily devour 2 or 3 family share-bags of Dorito’s. I still smoke, but I’ve taken the unhealthy food out of the equation by just not buying it.
Just make things do-able. Don’t try to find loopholes like “if I eat a salad for lunch I can wolf down that XL Chocolate Bar I have at home!” because it doesn’t work like that, you’re being lenient with yourself.
Things are tough to do, but that’s life. Suck it up and stop letting yourself down.
The other day I, unfortunately, had a bury a good friend of mine. He was about 4 years old, skinny, black, silk with a matte floral charcoal grey pattern. It was a tragic accident. There he was, living his best life, getting complimented by an array of women, and men, he didn’t judge. Then next thing ….. he got caught on a door-handle and ripped himself in two… his insides were everywhere. I fell to my knees, holding his tattered remains in my hands. I threw my head back, tears streaming down my face.
There will never be such a charming, attractive, charismatic tie like him….
Anywho, my tie (may God rest his soul) needed replacing which made me think of a number of other things that weren’t mentioned in my previous post when buying suits, or accessories.
Rule #6 – Accessories
Are great! When you don’t kill them. By killing them I mean, there is such this as over accessorising. Tie and a pocket square? Awesome! Tie and a lapel pin? Looking good bro! Tie and a tie bar? Lock yourself in a secure building because a stampede of horny women is coming your way!
However…. a tie, lapel pin, tie bar, and a pocket square leaves you walking around like Hackneys Pearly Kings.
Rule #7 – Jacket Stitching
When you pick up a new suit from the tailors or buy one off the rack, the jacket will have little stitches in them in order to save its’ shape. These will be found in the pockets and the vents on the bottom of the back.
With a very sharp knife ( or ask your tailor or shop assistant to do so) remove the stitching from the back vents. Do Not remove the stitching from the pockets because this leaves them open to being used, this will warp the shape of your jacket over time.
Rule #8 – Ties
In addition to the previous rules on this matter. Which you have been following… right? RIGHT!?
I’ve been thinking of appropriate ties for appropriate events, and one of the best websites I have ever seen for this information is Tie-A-Tie.
My hetero-life-mate, Ali, is fine-ali reading The ‘C’ Word!
You should have seen his face light up as he read the whimsical words that flowed out of my fingers. If I could find someone old enough, who was there when Jesus Christ taught his Disciples, and show this person Ali’s face as he first ever read this blog, I bet they would say “yep! that’s it, the same face as Peter, Paul and the lads. The face of enlightenment.” and to that I say, thank you not alive anymore fictional elderly person.
Next Step: Get Ali in a suit.
Off on a tangent, however, a recent trip to the gym made me think of all the places where I don’t confuse the chicks working there with the Water Buffalo I saw on Safari in Kenya in 2010. This prompted me to create this rather helpful list of all the establishments that provide something that makes your eye pop and go ‘AAOOOGAH‘ as well as whatever you went in there for too:
Coffee Shops – A great place to get your coffee and your daily dose of eye candy. I don’t even drink coffee and I still find myself in these on a regular basis. Who knows? Maybe you spill your coffee on your crotch? Maybe there isn’t enough time to get a cloth and the only way is for Hottie-With-A-Body Barista girl to lick it off….. it’s a long shot but, maybe?
The Gym – Obviously. I mentioned this in a previous blog post already. However, be careful. You don’t want to have to find a new gym after trying out a few new exercise positions with that nice Personal trainer, do you? but then again….. boobs… they win every time.
Bars – Not pubs, bars. There is a specific difference, and this is very important.
In a bar you’ll probably get greeted with this:
In a pub, however……..
The Sexual Health Clinic – Nurses outfits, sanitised environment, beds, You’re already 80% prepared for a porno! However the fact that your even in the sexual health clinic may ring alarm bells from these chicks, be warned.
Expensive Clothes Stores – As much as they won’t admit it, these places do not hire warthogs. And because it’s an expensive store, get the image of a baller across! “Oh, this? nah that’s not a giant wad of cash in my pocket, I’m afraid” heh.
I know that many of you read this blog and think “Gee Wizz! There is not a cats chance in the devils’ playground that I could be so selfish and look out for only myself”
To that I say:
Click HERE to see a library of gender reassignment doctors in the United Kingdom, so that one of them can weld a scrotum and a pair of apricots betwixt thine legs.
It’s all about looking looking out for Numero Uno! And my life has gotten so much better since I’ve done so.
This time last year I was a total loser.
This time last year, I was this guy.
I cared so much about pleasing everyone I let them and myself down. I was pushed around at work and came home and was just a slob because I couldn’t be bothered. I argued about stupid shit with my girlfriend at the time just to feel in control of something. Ultimately, she ended up leaving me. I was, without doubt, a total fucking loser. But it took me looking at myself and hating what I saw to decide to make a change.
Unlike Jesus Christ, I didn’t rise in 3 days. This was actually a 9 month ordeal of dressing like a tramp, with a baseball cap on all the time. Cargo trousers. An unkempt beard down to my chest, and wrinkled t-shirts on. Spending each day checking the Ex’s social media. Seeing her happy with her new boyfriend. Until I woke up one day, and felt better. I didn’t check her pages that day. I just did me. To be honest though, all credit to my friend, Rob, who pointed me in the right direction. He made me realise a single man needs to take care of himself. Eat well. Dress well. Work out. Look in the mirror and like what he sees.
This is when I decided to look out for me, to put myself first.
And now my life is awesome! I get complimented for my clothes; suits, ties and shoes, and on my haircuts.
When you feel great about yourself, your vibe changes. The way people perceive you changes. The way you see yourself changes.
Since taking pride in myself, I’ve done better at work, I’ve gotten two pay rises, I’ve moved out and now live in a two-bedroom house by myself. I’m doing better than I ever have and it’s all down to a boost in confidence stemming from a change in self-perception.
Like everything in life; there are certain rules to wearing a suit. These rules exist to stop you looking like an idiot. If there is one thing that you should take away from my blog, it is to follow each and every one of these.
Suits. An outfit that has a matching blazer and trousers combo, which are made of the same fabric. if the fabrics are not matching, this is not a suit. Fact.
Rule #1 – Do not button the bottom button on your jacket.
This is important. Very important. You’ll probably have people who clearly don’t know what they are on about coming up to you saying ‘dude, you forgot to do up a button’….. ignore these neanderthals. Jacket has two buttons? only fasten the top one. 3 buttons? fasten the middle one, the top one can be done up on a brisk night however don’t get in the habit of it.
*same rules apply for waistcoats – bottom button undone
Rule #2 – Make sure your jacket fits.
Otherwise, what will you look like? oh yeah! an idiot…
No Bodacious-Bonerific-Babes are going to be wanting to go home with you if they look up and see this:
The way that I make sure my jackets are fitting perfectly is by buying only bespoke, but another great way to check this is by putting your jacket on and leaning flat against a wall. If the shoulder stays the same, its a fit. If it bunches, stretches or looks shit…. well…. you’re just going to look shit aren’t you? Simple as!
Rule #3 – Match your Belt, Shoes and Watch
Its a small detail but it goes a long way, trust me.
Brown shoes? Brown leather belt and a brown watch strap.
Black shoes? Black leather belt and a black watch strap
Gold watch? Make sure to have a gold belt buckle.
You get where I am going with this? good.
Rule #4 – Ties
I love ties. Like, I really love ties. Not enough men wear ties anymore, which is a shame. But also excellent for me because now I (and you too) can stand out even more. Ties have a certain debonair about them, a professional flair that attracts all eyes (especially eyes that have a pair of boobs about a foot below them) to you. However, a tie can easily look like shit…… Assure your tie stops just before your belt. Also; assure that your tie and pocket square don’t match, but compliment each other. As a wise leader once said:
If you want her legs wrapped around your neck, first tie a tie around it.
– Mahatma Gandhi
Rule #5 – Trousers
Unfortunately we need to wear them. Even after my application to have my junk recognised as the 8th Natural Wonder of The World, I apparently still need to cover up (sorry everyone). But what better to cover up with than a nice pair of suit trousers? These should be fell fitted and sit just above the opening of your shoe. The waist should sit 1 inch below your bellybutton. and you don’t want your belt bunching up the top and ruining the fabric, while looking shit at the same time, so be sure to buy the correct waist size (it’s alright, you can lie about it after)
Now, I’m going to post a picture of exactly what your trousers shouldn’t look like:
Look at that….. just look at it. Have you looked at it? c’mon bro I know it’s difficult but this is supposed to be educational, okay? looked at it now? Thank you.
This small list should get you to where you need to go. And, where you need to go is to a suit store.
“But, Chandler? I thought your phone would be blowing up all the time? isn’t a graveyard dead & empty?”
I’m glad you asked, but I am not referring to the emptiness of a graveyard. I am referring to the amount of ghosting done, by me. A sad but necessary deed, I’m afraid.
Ghosting; a wonderful, wonderful thing that everyone has done at least once but still judges anyone and everyone else who does it. Not me though. I am your bro. I am actively encouraging you to ghost your conquests. Why? I will explain.
Not every film needs a sequel, am I right? of course I am. Take the next 10 seconds to think of all the films you loved that the sequel just didn’t add up to. Done? Cool.
Now imagine if there was some way to prevent all terrible sequels to awesome movies going forward. Now flip that around in your head, turn it over, cut the corners off and paint it blue and think of the first movie as the first night out with this chick. It was awesome, it was loud, it was action packed, it was sweaty (I may be deferring from the film simile now… apologies) but most importantly of all, you landed your Apollo 11 on the surface of her moon. Obviously, if you do know what you’re doing here, this would be the end of the night and you would find a feeble excuse to leave, and return to the bar. But some of you may choose to stick around and leave the next morning (for some reason). Whichever path you choose in this, phone numbers were more than likely exchanged.
A few days go by and you’re living your awesome life, planning where next to take your spacecraft (there are way too many similes in this post) when your phone pings. It’s her from a few days before. What should you do? You enjoyed the first night, and it was an awesome story to tell the guys. But will the sequel live up to that? Also; another important factor in this decision is….. other women. They exist too and it would be rude to give all your attention to just one girl. Remember the last time you put all your eggs in one basket and it didn’t work out? Now, remember that time you had an awesome one night stand and then retrieved some well deserved high fives about it at work and then did the same thing again the next weekend with a different girl?
Pretty obvious what the play is here…..
You ghost the shit out of that text. You had fun. She had fun. Move on. Why end a great story with shitty finalé thrown on at the end? Leave it as an awesome story. Then make another awesome story.
Broooo, We made it! We’re alive, which is always a bonus. I’m writing you this letter to address the uncertainties in our life that you are feeling now and will feel, and because I have reached a point now where I am at a level of content where I can look back on a lot and laugh about it.
Firstly, I know you’re unpopular at school now, but… get used to it, buddy. You still have a good 6 or 7 years before you learn how to talk to people. Also, you won’t go far in Rugby. I know, I know, you’ve had a good season and blah blah blah. But no, you’re going to enjoy being in and out of crutches and wheelchairs for your adolescence, ha.
Right; our balls might not have actually dropped yet. But, fucking grow a pair and ask Emma out bro. All you’re insecurities with girls in your teenage years stem from that. Stop being a little melt about it.
Secondly; At age 14, you’ll meet a girl called Orla, your first girlfriend. You will be weirdly clingy to her, and she will dump you after two months. DO NOT blame her for your distrust in women, and use it as a feeble excuse to be a dick for years (you will) because you did this to yourself. Learn from it and move the fuck on.
Without giving too much away, here is a list of don’ts, for you, for the next ten years:
Don’t try a long distance relationship for a year and a half with a girl you don’t trust. You will move back to the UK, and just because she’s older and has boobies doesn’t mean you have to do as you’re told.
Don’t propose to anyone, especially two different people, especially after only a year, and especially if their name is Shannon.
Don’t break up with Alexandra by Facebook…. weak sauce Bro. Just don’t go out with her in the first place. She has a friend you’ll meet about 3 weeks after you meet Alexandra and you will THANK ME LATER BROOOOO!
Don’t start smoking cigarettes. Yes, you think it looks cool, I know because I’m you. But I’ve come to realise there is no such thing as quitting smoking; You’re just a smoker that doesn’t smoke any more, you’re always going to want one. Also, you cough a lot nowadays….. and you get more out of breath while nailing a chick than you used to….. not ideal.
Finally; Listen to your Mam and Dad bro. I mean… I know they can be annoying about shit, but JUST LOOK AT HOW MUCH MONEY DAD MAKES! I just found out his Christmas bonus the other day and it is nearly what I make in a year.He obviously knows what he is doing, and how does that popular saying go? Money does create happiness? yeah, that’s the one. Learn to be a baller form a young age, don’t fuck about, because then you won’t need to hit rock bottom in order to start trying to achieve, because you would never have stopped achieving in the first place.
You need to learn to forgive bro, not only others but yourself. Yeah, it’s all good fun to keep a grudge and it can make others laugh when you’re over the top about it, but some of them eat you alive. You’re not a bad kid, you just make some seriously stupid decisions.
P.S. – Wrap it up Bro, too many scares.
P.P.S. – Wear suits. You look sweet as fuck in a suit. Trust me.