A bunch of my friends are parents…..

People…. are stupid. Sheep, the lot of them.

So many people my age that I either know or am actually friends with have kids, for some weird reason. If they don’t have kids, then that’s probably just because the kid is still festering in their womb awaiting the day they can erupt from betwixt their legs and ruin their life.

Myself on the other hand; the thought of being diagnosed with a child just makes me want to;

Image result for tear my hair out gif

Children….Don’t have them. Simple as.

Loud, irritating, don’t seem to go away (no matter how hard you try), always need feeding and watering for some reason. This is everything to look forward to if you decide to go down this long and winding road. Or you could just remain awesome, and childless.
But, even as childlessness becomes more common, it still isn’t fully socially accepted.

I don’t want kids, at all. I cannot fathom why someone who wants to professionally and personally succeed in life should have kids. Granted sometimes the stork chucks one of these screaming bastards at you without you planning it.

I understand people who already have kids and describe the entire ordeal as ‘You’ve never known love until you’ve felt the love for your child’. Now, this is all good and well, but your downfall is…. I don’t want to feel this love at all, my love I have for myself is just fine to keep me going, thank you. You have a life of financial constriction, dirty nappies and snotty kids birthday parties, while we on the other hand have a closet full of suits, money in the bank and a string of one night stands (high five!). I like to look at the idea of having children as a hobby. I’ve tried loads of different hobbies growing up, some of them I liked and carried on, and some of them I didn’t like and gave up after a year or sometimes even 2 weeks. If you have a child you’re stuck with that hobby for the rest of your life. But, what if you get bored? what if you decide to do something different in your life? Tough titties bro, you’re trapped.

I recently overheard a conversation regarding somebody wanting to try for kids, and they put forward some frighteningly weak arguments for wanting one. The first of these was that “I want to see what they turn out like“. That’s nice isn’t it? Your child is essentially a social experiment originating from curiosity and a need to find a meaning within your relationship. And the future parent of the year award goes to….

“Kids aren’t personal experiments. They’re not mirrors we can admire ourselves in. They’re their own living, breathing people and they’ll look how they look, learn what they learn, and be who they are regardless of us.”

Isabelle Kohn

They followed this statement up with another reason of “My partner and I might make good parents“. So? I might make a good woman if I got a sex change but that doesn’t mean I’m going to do it? I might make a very successful career as a professional Hitman, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to do it? I might make a great parent too, but I would rather keep all my money to myself, go out whenever I want, have a full night sleep each and every night and not have to listen to bullshit songs like ‘Baby Shark’ for 12 hours straight.

Being a little selfish, concentrating on you, and actually enjoying your life isn’t a bad thing. Too many people I know tip-toe around the the world their entire lives, trying to keep everyone happy and when I advise them to be selfish for once their response is “Yeah, but, that’s not nice”. The world isn’t nice. There is nothing you can do about that. Why put other people’s wants, needs and expectancy’s ahead of your own. Instead of trying to achieve the impossible feat of making the world better, learn to work around it, adapt and make your own life better.

In summary;

Watching the world of parenting, from the outside world of being awesome…..

Nah, no thanks.

Things that really kettle my swede.

Now, many of you may have noticed ( and I know that those of you who know me personally know this very well);

I don’t like people and the things that they do. No, sorry, it’s not that I dislike all people. It’s just the majority of things that people do in their day to day lives, that makes them happy, Deeply and emphatically disturb me.

Please enjoy my brief list of annoyances:

  • Couples

Couples annoy me. Especially when they hit that point in their relationship where they morph into one big homogeneous hermaphroditic blob and they no longer individually say “I’d like to… blah blah”. No, it is always “we’d like to…”. This, in my eyes, is unacceptable. A number of other things couples do that annoy me is:

  1. Put a padlock on a bridge with their initials on it.
    1. Especially when they post a picture of it online afterwards.
  2. Lounge on each other in public places.
    1. Please, c’mon. If I wanted to watch you impregnate her I would find a way to… trust me.
  3. Post pictures of them kissing online….. no more need be said on this matter.
  4. Post the standard ‘Other-Half-Appreciation-Post” on their social media. It usually goes something like this:
    1. “Those of you who know me….. *blah blah blah* Can’t believe it has only been 3 months…. *blah blah blah* My life has changed so much, for the better, since you’ve been in it….*blah blah blah* I love you so much, I can’t wait to spend my future with you…… *blah blah fucking blah*
  • People that say “It’s 5 o’ clock somewhere!”

Either drink the drink or don’t drink the drink, for fuck sake.

  • People that either work in or go to Artisan Coffee shops or Hipster Bars.

You know the kind. The people in there look like they don’t wash. The dungaree and Jesus Sandle to person ratio is verging on traumatising. In the coffee shops, you pay £12 for a coffee and it arrives in individual conical science flasks and you have to assemble it yourself and the order comes with a note written in elvish or something stupid. The bars have some shit tasting, weird craft beer you’ve probably never heard of and the guy behind the bar is describing the taste of it as ‘earthy’. Who wants to drink/taste earth? They probably show art from local artists too, and you know which ones it is because it’s always the ones with the shit art in them. I hate those places…

  • When you’re sitting in a room with someone and they answer the phone and just have their entire conversation, without leaving the room.
  • Children with staring issues.

If you were an adult, I’d hit you.

  • Adults with staring issues.
  • When women put ‘Full Time Mummy’ as their occupation on social media.

Just put nothing, this would be a much better option to take.

  • When you’re watching TV with someone and they start watching a video, out loud, on their phone.
  • When people’s phones are ringing and they say “oh! can you answer that for me”

What am I going to do? I am ultimately going to hand you the phone because it is you they want to talk to, hence ringing your phone and not my phone. Answer your own damn phone.

I’m surrounded by idiots.

– everyday