The Rulebook.

Life is full of Rules. Some are even covered by the Law. But none are quite as sacred as the rules of the modern man. Follow these rules my loyal disciples and you’ll have to get a cream to sooth that red raw dick of yours after all that LAYAGE.

Here is my list of Rules I live my life by that I promise if you follow all of these your life will be awesome as fuck.

  • Get your eyebrows threaded. Women like nice eyebrows. It hurts like a bitch the first time you go but you’ll look at yourself afterwards and wonder why you’ve never attempted to bang yourself before.
  • Get yourself a ‘Guy’ for everything and anything. Having a ‘Guy’ is important. Also it looks cool as fuck when someone goes “oh shit! Where’d you get that!?” and your response is “I have a guy“… Love it.
  • If you ever find yourself in a socially awkward situation, think of my best bro Ali…. and then do exactly the opposite of what he would do.
  • Even if your an adult with adult friends who drive adult cars and go on adult car trips. Yell “shotgun!” anyway…. just in case.
  • In a strip club, you are king, remember that.
  • Have at least 3 alter egos with different names and backstories for when you travel elsewhere. This means your fun can’t follow you home or look you up on Social Media, but also it means you can practice lying, which is the most important skill to have.
  • If you have a lifelong dream, scrap it, your new lifelong dream is simply three words: “Money, Suits, Sex“.
  • The worlds hottest types of women go in this order: 1) Latinos 2) Lebanese and 3) Colleagues who are unhappily married.
  • Never let a woman put a throw pillow in your house… It’s a trap.
  • If a woman looks like her mother, dump her. Unless her Mother is hot, in that case dump her and bang her Mom.
  • Make sure you house is always cold. Nipples always poke through if you keep the place below 10 ° C .
  • Play off Karaoke as if it’s stupid, but secretly have a very well practised set-list of up to 5 songs under your belt.
  • If you’re going to lie to a woman about a job, claim to be a Yacht/Private Airline Salesman. If they ask you about it, just say you “Can’t talk about it too much due to Client Confidentiality, but I take it you’ve seen the Marvel Movies?” works every time.
  • Always hold the door open for a lady. Even if she is fat or if she is ugly…. or heaven forbid… both.
  • Don’t get married before you are 38.
  • Never deny a high five or a fist bump from someone. But if you must, make it clear if it reluctant.


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The gap in my blog posts from time to time indicates that sometimes I’m busy, but often I’m not. I’m just a naturally sloth-like person. I’m lazy.

…and all throughout my life I have been berated for it.

It may be the case that you, like I, have experienced prejudice for being a lazy person; being called names such as “part-timer” and “lazy fucker” and “what the fuck are you doing? you’re a fucking slob!”,  I’ve personally never understood this name, it’s rather long and is quite a mouthful. But, I do hear it enough to classify it as a name, I think.

See? technically have to refer to that as a name.

Recently what has gotten me by is just working around it. It’s easy:

Don’t want to do a task at work or in the home? SORTED. Before you start the task sit there for 5 minutes mapping out the task and finding the easiest way to get through the task in the shortest amount of time as possible. If at work, can you rope in some other people and promote “teamwork”, awesome, do it. The best bit? for us lazy people out there: the five-minute thinking-sit-down at the beginning is almost like a little break too, which is nice.

Missed out on about a fortnight of blog posts? SORTED. Turn that into a blog post to revive your outstanding blogging career. Use a drop cap at the beginning of the post to distract when the reader hopefully scrolls back up to the top of the post to check: A) if a drop cap is really there, or, B) what a drop cap is. And, of course, having everyone absolutely falling out of their chairs whilst mildly chuckling to the dry humour that is The ‘C’ Word your blog. Not mine, yours.

Maybe it isn’t just at work or home your laziness affects? maybe it’s affecting the most sacred of aspects of your life. Your wonderful and productive hobby of one night stands.

An issue I have quite a lot (brag) is when I’m talking to/texting a being of the effeminate kind (typically a woman, to be clear) and just sometimes get too lazy to respond or reply, I literally just can’t be arsed. I think to myself ‘I’ll reply tomorrow and just say today was hectic and blah blah blah’. then one day slips into two days, which slides into three days, which quickly tumbles into a week. It’s a nightmare! You can’t just pop back up like “Tada! I can be bothered now”, usually, instant no layage.

A friend of mine, Crippled-Felix as we call him, (to be perfectly candid, we do not call him Crippled-Felix, we just call him by his name. I am including this to poke fun at the fact he broke his leg recently like an idiot and is crutching around right now. This is a power move. If you ever read this Felix… that’s right, feel the wrath of the most randomest and uncalled-for of disses when you least expect it. Asserting dominance. Alpha Male of the group. Woof.) Felix has a technique to reignite the potential of layage, which he educated unto me on a pilgrimage to Mcdonalds.

He just tells them he just got back from holiday. Like all lines, there are pros and cons to this line.

Pros: It’s easy, not difficult to lie. People go on holiday all the time. Not unusual at all. Next, holidays cost monaay, and who has monaaayyy? Wealthy guys. You with me? thaaaaats riiiiiight. *wink*. It’s a great big-you-up, believable line. Well done.

Cons: Little bit outdated. Nowadays most of us can use our mobile contract abroad, not everyone, but most of us. Also, for the real playas of us out there, what if you accidentally use the line a second time with the same chick, or if you get away with that one, god forbid a third time. Christ.

The point I’m trying to make with all of this is though:

Don’t kick yourself for being lazy. Learn to use it to your advantage, work with or around it. Work to your strengths. Don’t be held back by your weaknesses.

Things that really kettle my swede.

Now, many of you may have noticed ( and I know that those of you who know me personally know this very well);

I don’t like people and the things that they do. No, sorry, it’s not that I dislike all people. It’s just the majority of things that people do in their day to day lives, that makes them happy, Deeply and emphatically disturb me.

Please enjoy my brief list of annoyances:

  • Couples

Couples annoy me. Especially when they hit that point in their relationship where they morph into one big homogeneous hermaphroditic blob and they no longer individually say “I’d like to… blah blah”. No, it is always “we’d like to…”. This, in my eyes, is unacceptable. A number of other things couples do that annoy me is:

  1. Put a padlock on a bridge with their initials on it.
    1. Especially when they post a picture of it online afterwards.
  2. Lounge on each other in public places.
    1. Please, c’mon. If I wanted to watch you impregnate her I would find a way to… trust me.
  3. Post pictures of them kissing online….. no more need be said on this matter.
  4. Post the standard ‘Other-Half-Appreciation-Post” on their social media. It usually goes something like this:
    1. “Those of you who know me….. *blah blah blah* Can’t believe it has only been 3 months…. *blah blah blah* My life has changed so much, for the better, since you’ve been in it….*blah blah blah* I love you so much, I can’t wait to spend my future with you…… *blah blah fucking blah*
  • People that say “It’s 5 o’ clock somewhere!”

Either drink the drink or don’t drink the drink, for fuck sake.

  • People that either work in or go to Artisan Coffee shops or Hipster Bars.

You know the kind. The people in there look like they don’t wash. The dungaree and Jesus Sandle to person ratio is verging on traumatising. In the coffee shops, you pay £12 for a coffee and it arrives in individual conical science flasks and you have to assemble it yourself and the order comes with a note written in elvish or something stupid. The bars have some shit tasting, weird craft beer you’ve probably never heard of and the guy behind the bar is describing the taste of it as ‘earthy’. Who wants to drink/taste earth? They probably show art from local artists too, and you know which ones it is because it’s always the ones with the shit art in them. I hate those places…

  • When you’re sitting in a room with someone and they answer the phone and just have their entire conversation, without leaving the room.
  • Children with staring issues.

If you were an adult, I’d hit you.

  • Adults with staring issues.
  • When women put ‘Full Time Mummy’ as their occupation on social media.

Just put nothing, this would be a much better option to take.

  • When you’re watching TV with someone and they start watching a video, out loud, on their phone.
  • When people’s phones are ringing and they say “oh! can you answer that for me”

What am I going to do? I am ultimately going to hand you the phone because it is you they want to talk to, hence ringing your phone and not my phone. Answer your own damn phone.

I’m surrounded by idiots.

– everyday