No… not having sex with your bro’s.
We’re talking about your Bro’s getting laid. How does this affect you?
Well, it can in multiple ways. This layage may result in a sex tape. It’s a true fact that at least 6 out of 5 people will make a sex tape at some point in their life. Knowingly or unknowingly, it’ll happen. Which brings up the age old question; “Do you watch another Bro’s sex tape?”
There are 3 things to take into account in this case:
- How hot is the chick in this situation?
- What is the Bro Factor of your Brolationship?
- What are the odds that your bro will be into something weird?
Let’s think of a few scenarios;
Your Best bro’s friends brother, banging Miss Brazil 2018 on a beach in Hawaii. But she’s wearing a strap on.
Brolationship factor? Not close enough
Is she hot? fuck yeah she is!
Weirdness level? Not worth it bro…. definitely not worth it.
Your best bro drunkenly banging his hot ex girlfriend in the back seat of his car.
Brolationship factor? Separated at birth, nothing but love between you two
Is she hot? she was when they got together but she has gotten fat. But memories still exist.
Weirdness level? Just another Wednesday, crack on my friend!
Another way in which your Bro getting laid, and how it can affect your life is if you are there. Not necessarily in the bed with them, but you can hear the fun through the wall. What do you do?
Recently I heard my hetero-life-mate, Ali, banging his girlfriend upstairs when I was sleeping on his sofa after a night out. What do you do? You didn’t put yourself in this situation. You just found yourself in it. I mean, if it was my neighbours I heard banging there is only one thing to do… but this is your bro?
Doesn’t matter. It’s not your fault this is happening but you may as well use it to your advantage. There is only one thing to do in this situation, and this is exactly what I did…. be a man, claim this moment as your own, and have a 1 person party.
Life is full of Rules. Some are even covered by the Law. But none are quite as sacred as the rules of the modern man. Follow these rules my loyal disciples and you’ll have to get a cream to sooth that red raw dick of yours after all that LAYAGE.
Here is my list of Rules I live my life by that I promise if you follow all of these your life will be awesome as fuck.
- Get your eyebrows threaded. Women like nice eyebrows. It hurts like a bitch the first time you go but you’ll look at yourself afterwards and wonder why you’ve never attempted to bang yourself before.
- Get yourself a ‘Guy’ for everything and anything. Having a ‘Guy’ is important. Also it looks cool as fuck when someone goes “oh shit! Where’d you get that!?” and your response is “I have a guy“… Love it.
- If you ever find yourself in a socially awkward situation, think of my best bro Ali…. and then do exactly the opposite of what he would do.
- Even if your an adult with adult friends who drive adult cars and go on adult car trips. Yell “shotgun!” anyway…. just in case.
- In a strip club, you are king, remember that.
- Have at least 3 alter egos with different names and backstories for when you travel elsewhere. This means your fun can’t follow you home or look you up on Social Media, but also it means you can practice lying, which is the most important skill to have.
- If you have a lifelong dream, scrap it, your new lifelong dream is simply three words: “Money, Suits, Sex“.
- The worlds hottest types of women go in this order: 1) Latinos 2) Lebanese and 3) Colleagues who are unhappily married.
- Never let a woman put a throw pillow in your house… It’s a trap.
- If a woman looks like her mother, dump her. Unless her Mother is hot, in that case dump her and bang her Mom.
- Make sure you house is always cold. Nipples always poke through if you keep the place below 10 ° C .
- Play off Karaoke as if it’s stupid, but secretly have a very well practised set-list of up to 5 songs under your belt.
- If you’re going to lie to a woman about a job, claim to be a Yacht/Private Airline Salesman. If they ask you about it, just say you “Can’t talk about it too much due to Client Confidentiality, but I take it you’ve seen the Marvel Movies?” works every time.
- Always hold the door open for a lady. Even if she is fat or if she is ugly…. or heaven forbid… both.
- Don’t get married before you are 38.
- Never deny a high five or a fist bump from someone. But if you must, make it clear if it reluctant.
But my family live there! I couldn’t leave!
All my childhood friends are in my hometown! I wouldn’t want to have to make friends elsewhere.
But I have lived here all my life! I know this place, I couldn’t leave
You know what all of these are?
Home towns are great… to visit. But c’mon man… the world exists! There are other foods out there! There are other people out there! There are way hotter women out there, and I know it’s hard to believe but they may even be hotter than Becky, the girl you liked as a teenager but who peaked in high school and now has 3 kids by two different dads and is working at the check out at the same shop you used to steal alcohol from.
If you stay in your hometown you are doomed to fail. I see it all the time. I have a little stalk, on social media, of a girl of whom I went to school with and I can see that she is working in a local shop or is a teacher at the same school that we went to, and that she is either with or has kids with the dickhead at the back of maths class who also didn’t leave our home town and is now a fishmonger. …..
THE WORLD IS AN AMAZING PLACE!
And each time you leave your hometown, you grow. You experience different thoughts, different culture, and a different way of life.
And the good advice icing on this good advice cake…. CHICKS ARE SO MUCH HOTTER EVERYWHERE ELSE BUT YOUR HOMETOWN!
You’re so used to the way everyone looks in your hometown, and obviously as all people who stay in their hometown are somewhat inbred, whenever you travel away your genitals will be screaming for something different. That’s why us brits find american girls hot. It’s a different gene pool…… a sexy different gene pool.
Mmmmm….. Sexy Gene Pools.
A friend of mine, Sophie, is currently going through a tough time in her life.
She has made some bad life choices, there is no doubt about this.
She left school with no qualifications because she had a daughter at 15, then proceeded to have twin boys aged 20 with a different father. She has had breakdown after breakdown, broken up and gotten back together with the twins father. Lost her licence and had to redo her driving test. Got a job but can only work one day a week because the father of the twins says that he can’t cope with both of them at once and her daughter doesn’t see her father because he was teaching her phrases from Radical Islam videos…… Her life, without a doubt, is very fucking depressing.
And it really got me thinking how easy it would be to improve her life, or my own life, or anybodies life for that matter. How easy would it be to sit back and write out a to do list that, if followed down to a T, will drastically change your life for the better.
For Sophie, I made a “6 steps to improve your life in 6 months” plan.
Step 1) END YOUR TOXIC RELATIONSHIP!
This girl is helplessly unhappy in her relationship. He cheated on her early on, they broke up, got back together, they have 2 kids together which she cares for 6 days out of the week because he “can’t cope” with both of them together. He’d rather spend time at the gym than with her and their kids. He doesn’t attempt to connect with her daughter, and from what I’ve heard he makes this very obvious. They are now engaged only due to the fact that she won a wedding on facebook, and they are due to be married next year.
Toxic relationships…. are exactly what it says they are on the tin…. toxic. I was in one, and I’m not blaming her for it at all, I treated her terribly and in hindsight I should have ended the relationship. I didn’t, we got engaged and moved into a flat together. When you add further baggage to a toxic relationship, you will make it worse. If someone gave you a bottle of bleach and told you to drink it and you add a little bit of sugar to the bleach to sweeten it up, it won’t stop the fact that you are still drinking bleach. No matter how much effort and time and emotion you put into a toxic relationship, it will eventually eat you alive and leave you as a shell of the person you once were.
Dump your man, Sophie. You will initially be upset and will probably want to get back together with him, like you have done in the past. But, you need to work through the heartache, you and everyone around you knows you shouldn’t be with him.
Step 2) Stop trying to give your kids the childhood you didn’t have.
This isn’t a bad thing to do, any parent would do this, I’m sure. However you are spreading yourself thin. Spending money you don’t have. Your kids can see you sitting there crying every day. And, you are burning all your energy that could be used in improving your life.
If you work on yourself first and better your own life, in turn your kids lives will become better. You’ll be happier and subsequently so will your children. Children aren’t stupid, they know when something is wrong.
Step 3) STOP drinking alone
Alcohol is a depressant. Everyone knows that, and if you say it isn’t, then you’re fucking stupid, and you should stop reading this blog, climb into a box and mail yourself elsewhere…. just go.
People who sit at home drinking are doing so because they’re bored, have nothing else to do and are sad. They’re sick of being sad, so in an attempt to feel anything else they drink. This amplifies your feelings, happy or sad.
Best way to stop doing this? Stop buying alcohol to have at home. Wait until the weekend, have a drink with your friends. It gives you something to look forward to and will also lower your alcohol tolerance, saving you money on a night out in the future.
Step 4) Hobbies
Get a Hobby for fuck sake.
There are so many decent hobbies nobody thinks of that are easy to fit in around a busy lifestyle. It doesn’t have to be Stamp Collecting or Knitting. Not at all! Photography for example (im not saying do it, It’s an example), carry a camera everywhere you go. Your mind will be on the lookout for photo opportunities without you realising it and it will provide you with something to do/ be passionate for.
Everyone thinks hobbies are for old people, or for boring people. No, they keep your mind active, gives you achievable goals to accomplish and gives you a passion. It may get you out of the house. But, it will definitely distract from your mundane day to day life.
Step 5) STOP treating yourself “because you deserve it”
There is no logic behind feeling shitty about your life and then feeling you need to treat yourself to make yourself feel better about your shitty life by getting your hair or makeup done, or some clothing you can’t afford, or buying a big ol’ bottle o’ booze, and then having no money left which causes you to stress out which causes you to treat yourself again when money does come in…. and so on and so forth.
Can you see the vicious circle here?
Step 6) Actually do all of this
Don’t pick and choose what you like about this list to try and improve your life. This is a step by step guide to be followed. Not a raffle of ideas to improve your life.
Imagine making a loaf of bread and deciding not to put flour in the recipe because you don’t want to create that kind of mess in your kitchen. You’re left with a bowl with water and yeast in it….
You need to be harsh with yourself.
If you want to make little improvements to your life, then you need to make little changes.
If you want to make massive improvements to your life, then you need to make massive changes.
Back at it again, with them rules to keep you looking fiiiiine.
- Rule #11 – Sit Down boy! Stand Up lad!
Obviously, we all remember the bottom button rule? say it with me; “Yes, sensei”, excellent. Good Job. There is another rule when it comes to the buttons of your jacket. If you’re standing, button fastened. Sitting, however, button open. This avoids both you looking like a moron and also the stitching holding your jacket on being unnecessarily stressed. This could cause disaster if your button comes off at the wrong moment. Save yourself the embarrassment and just follow this simple rule.
- Rule #12 – Lapels
- Rule #13 – Which Watch?
Not a sports watch. That is the answer. Now I can’t pretend to be an expert on watches as I only own 3 myself. However, I know for a fact you cannot be seen dressing to the nines and wearing a sports watch to accessorise. What the fuck, imagine it…
- Rule #14 – BRACE yourselves, we’re talking BELTS.
I interchangeably use either a pair of braces or a belt. I recently have been favouring the braces though. Why? a number of reasons. One of which is that they hold my trousers up, but not pulling the waistline of the trousers in so they just seem more comfortable. Another reason is that they sit just between your shoulders and your traps, and I’m not trying to toot my own horn or nothing, and I know I’m a little biased, but, I definitely think I look sexier and more muscular in them.
- Rule #15 – Rock that body [type]
Basically, if you’re a short bastard, then you’re a short bastard. If your a tall, lanky weirdo, well you’re just a tall, lanky weirdo then aren’t you? You are what you are. However, this doesn’t mean you can to be dressed like a homeless person in the meantime. You short stacks out there should stick to single-breasted, standard notch lapel suits. Try to avoid double-breasted and peak lapel jackets as these have just more area, space and material in the design and can give a real drowning in material look (like at the end of Big with Tom Hanks).
Lanky toothpicks should go for the option that will widen out their bodies, meaning the double-breasted and wider and peaked lapels. Are you carrying a few more beers on top of that shy six pack of yours nowadays? Opt for a single button jacket, with low button placement. This will elongate your silhouette, making your look thinner overall.
You’ve read that correctly.
Literally, every single thing that happens in your life, is your own fault.
Car hit you from behind? you got into your car that day, drove it, and decided to stop it where you did.
Dumped? You went out with them in the first place.
You put yourself in these positions with the decisions you have made in your life up to that point. Everything that happens to you, in your life, is down to you as an individual. And unless you see that, and own it, you will never be 100% in control of your own life.
My point is that we make excuses every single day. We look back on our childhood, past relationships, past jobs and blame them for the way in which we act. We shed the responsibility of our own actions and look for other things to pass the blame onto in order to make us feel better. I do it, I know I do it. And if you’re sitting there thinking “That’s not me, I wouldn’t do that”, straight away that indicates that you do in fact do this because you’re already wearing your kevlar shoulders. You’re already shirking the responsibility of your own actions.
Excuses are like an Asshole, we all have them and they’re full of shit.
And before you jump in the comments to defend yourself, because you think that this is a little bit harsh, and your feelings are hurt and you’re offended….. I don’t care. I really don’t fucking care and you know who else doesn’t care about your excuses? Everyone. Literally nobody cares about your excuses, or why your life isn’t going well. Nobody wants to hear it, why? because they have their own shit going on. Ever sat their when someone is chatting absolute b*llocks about why their life is so much harder than everyone else’s, and you’re thinking “fuck me, if you had any idea what is going on in my life” then that means someone else has done that to you. The only person you are making excuses for , is for yourself. You are the only one that cares about your excuses.
But rest assured; there is going to be a time in your life when something happens and you are going to have to wake up and realise that you are going to need to stop making excuses. Or, you can make that decision right here, right now and stop yourself going through the trauma of a life event that forces that thought on you.
You may be thinking right now “oh, you don’t understand, my life is really difficult, I’ve tried everything and nothing is working or improving”. So what? that is your life. Those are the cards you have been dealt and there is nothing you or anyone else can do to fix that. Those are your cards and you need to play with them. Play your cards, the best that you possibly can. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are done with excuses. Shout it, scream at yourself. Get that message in your head.
If you’re unhappy with your life, and you think your life is shit, then that is your fault. If you are happy with the way everything is going and your life is great, then that is your fault too.
Which path would you prefer to accept fault for taking?